Tag Archives: Choices

I am rotting in this rut of mine.

22 May

I’ve been in this horrible rut for almost 2 weeks.

I want to eat bars of chocolate, stuff my face with chips, and drink coffee like there’s no tomorrow.

I’m tired, stressed, uninspired. It’s quite annoying really.

I’ve felt like this before and usually I’ll snap out of it but this time is different. It’s like I’m set on destroying myself piece by piece.

No matter what I clean or cook or how many times I get up to go to the gym I just keep falling back down.

Maybe it’s the weather. Maybe it’s lack of sleep. Maybe it’s the stress and uncertainty.

Maybe, I need to suck it up and pull myself together.

Mother’s Day and why I hate it.

11 May

I hate Mother’s Day.

I’m a mother of two.

I work hard every day of my life providing for the physical and emotional needs of my family. I don’t expect anything in return.

I chose to be a mom.

Being a mom is a 24/7 job, not for the faint of heart. It’s work, work, work, the occasional sacrifice, and guess what? More work. But again, I chose to be a mom.

I don’t need a day for special recognition. I don’t want to go to brunch or dinner or presents. I don’t post things on Facebook asking if you’ve said happy day or if you remembered to call your mom or all that other bullshit that flies around on those days, whatever day it is that you celebrate it.

I don’t expect my kids or husband to make a fuss over me.

I don’t want it. I don’t need it.

I can’t stand moms that guilt trip their children, that demand shit just because I’m your mother. Get the fuck out with that. If you didn’t want to do the work you should’ve thought twice about opening up your legs.

I love my mom because she’s selfless. She’s always done whatever it takes to provide and take care of my brother and I to this day as old as we are. She does it without any expectations. She does it with pure, altruistic love. It’s her example I want to follow.

We don’t wait for Mother’s Day to buy flowers, cards, go to brunch, or give presents. We do it every day in any way we can.

This Mother’s Day you can find me in my pajamas, enjoying the day with my beautiful family, doing nothing. It’s what we would do any other Sunday and Sundays are always special because of the time we get to share together.

Don’t wait for holidays to show affection.

Live, love, laugh, today.

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No excuses, really.

25 Apr

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Get it people. You don’t have to achieve a certain level of muscle, the ass of an 18 year old bikini model, or live up to some picture you saw on your friends cousins Instagram feed. Just be healthy. For you, for your kids if you have them, but really just for you.

Why can’t there be calm before more calm?

15 Mar

My water was shut off. I have no gas. I feel like a shit parent because I’m so stressed. I have a couple of dollars left in my bank account and won’t be seeing a paycheck or tax refund until the end of March.

That’s a whole lot of surviving with two kids on $2. I feel as though I’m stuck in this huge, deep hole of endless consequences that’s just consuming me ever so slowly.

I keep telling myself to breathe. It’s just not enough anymore.

My type of crazy.

10 Jan

My mental breakdowns are few and far between.

I’ve had two major life changing events. The first one happened when I was 8, the second at 29. Both make me feel empty, powerless, worthless.

I guess you can say I’m lucky. I never became an alcoholic, drug user, or prostitute. I never cut myself, starved, or became a daredevil. I stayed pretty normal.

Except for the breakdowns.

They come out of nowhere. Suddenly the sadness overwhelms me. I can’t see. I can’t breathe. The guilt, shame, anger become so heavy and dark that I fall to the ground and cry. They become so strong that I’ve considered buying only paper plates.

They outweigh any other feeling and it’s the one thing love can’t resolve. The depression can last hours or it can last days but it’s always there. Lurking in the back of my head and dragging my spirit down a spiral of self-hatred.

I don’t think there will ever be closure just constant reminders of mistakes and unfortunate timing.

I say this with all my heart…

Live, love, laugh.

My daughter the loser.

30 Dec

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I am very much the disappointment of my family.

Once upon a time I was supposed to achieve great things.

I went from being the apple of my father’s eye to the almost 30 year old child he still needs to support. What happened? Where’s the straight A student? The scholar athlete? The homecoming princess? The gifted little girl with so much potential?

I don’t know.

I guess I made mistakes. Too many mistakes. I drowned myself so deep in bad choices that nothing has been able to save me.

But my father tries.

He sends me money. Pays the bills. Pays the rent. Gives me cars. He tells me he loves me, that everything he’s worked for is mine. He cries.

I am a loser and I am not proud.

Not proud of the unimportant, under achieving, blob that has contributed absolutely nothing to society, that I have become.

I have nothing to celebrate on NYE, no resolutions, nothing to look forward to. All I can do is reflect upon these last couple of years, find the moment I fell rock bottom, and find a way to start climbing out.

I’ll make you proud daddy. One day.

Today.